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June 22, 2017 Location ==> Ride Reports - Monkey Butt sets in on SS1000

Monkey Butt sets in on SS1000

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© 2001, Iron Butt Association, Chicago, Illinois  Please respect our intellectual property rights. Do not distribute this document, or portions therein, without the written permission of the Iron Butt Association.

Saddle Sore 1000 Trip Report (High Z-score)

OK, got this new bike, a Honda GL1800, a big bike and I’ve always loved running down the highway, best therapy I’ve ever found. Ran in to the LD stuff by accident on the internet and after a lot of reading and thinking said OK, let’s go for it. Don’t mention the piles of money spent and wanting to be spent and waiting for winter to ease off enough to get over 4500’ mountains and out of this corner of the Northwest.

So, the wise heads say for the first ride “pick a simple route”, slab out and back. OK, I can do that. Would you believe 520 miles down I-5 and then back is not simple enough? Well it wasn’t; after about 7 ½ hours riding my mush-for-brain couldn’t remember if it was Williams or Willows that was the turn around point. Wasted 5 minutes getting off the slab and checking the map. Lesson 1 – having nice pretty printed tables of where, when and what inside a fairing pocket you can’t open is not useful. Gotta have a visible and readable set of directions. A GPS might be a substitute butt.

Had a camelback on the rear seat, and baggies of food all ready. Figured I had this bit sorted. Ever tried to open a ziplock baggie with winter riding gloves, that’s an exercise in futility for sure. So ok, at the stop take some out and put it where I can reach it, that’s easy. Don’t put little candies on your speedo, they do stay there (at least on my bike they do) but when it rains they sorta melt and drip down inside the speedo and get everything all sticky and its really hard to read through sticky dirty glass, also looks sorta tacky. Well what about the jerky on the fuel gauge, that’s cool, flip up the visor, grab it with the boxing gloves and stuff it in your mouth, piece of cake. You try it, can’t reach my mouth only my nose, if I sorta tip my head back and drop it should work, ah s**t now I’ve got a piece of jerky in front of my chin, try another one, ok, that worked, you try chewing with a piece of jerky running loose inside the bottom of your helmet, not cool. Now how about a little water, through the nose? No, well jam it down in there I can almost get to my mouth. Lesson 2 – if you haven’t actually done it on a bike you probably can’t.

You probably figured out it was cold, low 30’s to very low 40’s most of the trip, hit 54 near the turn around when it was really raining, for about 30 minutes. Butt cold is no problem, I’ve got these fancy ‘lectrics that cost more than an Armani suit, and I’ve been using them for a month so at least that’s under control. Almost. I’d sent the thermostat back to change from a portable to a permanent mount ‘cause the portable made me feel like a walking bomb, wires everywhere. So that left me with a manual on-off switch. You try 16 hours 57 minutes of: turn it on, wait till you’re sweating like a pig, switch it off, wait till all the sweat evaporates and you’re frozen, turn it on again; cycle time is about 2 minutes, what a pain. Lesson 3 – ‘lectrics without a thermostat are a real PITA, better than without though.

Always used a ¾ helmet, butt Mike Bobbit scared the hell out of me with one of his posts and I got a flip-face, got it a week before the ride. Gee, what’s this anti-fog thing in the box. Hmmm. After the first ride I understand, seeing is good, you can’t see through fog, fog is bad. Run all over town, get all the different goops and sprays, they are all guaranteed to work. Lesson 3 – Anti-fog is bulls**t. Keep the visor clean, pop the visor when you stop. Works like a charm.

Last 3-4 hours of the ride I was occasionally thinking the cruise control buttons were not working, would hit accelerate or coast and nothing happened. Mash it harder and it worked. OK, put on the warranty list for the next service. Did I mention that I have no idea how people could do LD without either a throttle lock or cruise control? I use it continuously on the slab, maybe it’s my personality, there is no optimal speed except one I’m not running at. Got home and tried to brush my teeth before crashing, gee, my right thumb doesn’t push, anything, at all, it’s mostly useless. Took four days to get back to normal. Lesson 4 – ld riding is hard work, you’ll be sore in places you didn’t know you had places.

Anyway, pulled into the house, did the numbers, compared it to the planned routing, (love that DeLorme), would you believe, was within 3 minutes of planned all the way down the line. Lesson 5 – planning pays off, never like you think butt it does pay off.

The week before the ride this list was full of “monkey butt” posts. Gee, that’s interesting, I’ve done 700 miles in a day on a bike, never noticed anything, glad I’m different. At the turn around stopped for a ½ hour rest break, half-noticed that I wanted to stand, not sit, and was picking at my pants. By ½ way back I knew there was trouble down there, it hurt, standing was almost as bad as sitting. That’s cool, let’s ride; ugh that’s worse. Sure hope the major contributor was a lot of sweating and not intelligent dressing.

No lesson yet, doing another 1K run this weekend, see if I've learned anything.

Michael Collins

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